Stay Still Please

I remember a familiar saying in the Ateneo, "lundagin mo!" care of Fr. Ferriols.  He was not one of my Philosophy professors but his words of wisdom are pretty much ingrained in the Ateneo culture.  After 5 years of Medicine proper and 3 months of focused preparation for the licensure exam, I would say I have just dipped myself halfway into this profession.

Recalling my first 2 years of medical school, I craved for something more outside Medicine.  So, what did I do?

First year: I helped my friend put up an organization focused on school health.  It was hard since my school was still on its second year. We have been denied many times and finally we have come to a compromise.

Second year: This was a busy one.  I was still an officer of the organization we put up but I was thinking of creating a head organization responsible in handling all of the student organizations in the school.  Putting that aside, I also pursued my dreams of learning foreign languages so I took up 2 courses of Basic Chinese at the Loyola Schools.

Third year: I left my previous organization and went after my dream of putting up a council that would regulate all student organizations in my school.  From the vision-mission to the workshops, I am proud to see this come to a reality.  Actually, it is a little attempt of my dream of becoming a professional HR consultant.  With little opportunities of leadership development, I reached outside and was luckily offered a slot in a leadership workshop.  Attended its talks for a year while I take my medical classes.

In between those busy days, I started baking.  I enjoyed making the devil's food cake and French macaroons and studied everything from Martha Stewart to Youtube videos just to get the perfect recipe.

Those were the good old days.

If you were to ask me now of my plans after Medicine, I can't seem to answer the question.  I know I have always dreamed of being a Pediatric-Hematologist-Oncologist, build my own cancer center in the Philippines and train in the US.  Now, the dream appears to be too far for me to reach.  Doing the USMLE and looking for observerships makes me too lazy.  I cannot keep up with my schedule of reviewing -- I have to admit I am all burned out.  I cannot accept it since I have known myself of always having energy to do things, to make things happen...to make what seems impossible possible.  I think I believed in myself before. Now, I have lost it.

I began to drift away from myself when I started my clerkship.  With a routine schedule and type of work, sticking to a set hierarchy and with little room to wiggle, I got frustrated.  That frustration has led to me succumbing to complacency.  The lesson that I have learned is it is hard to fight the system if you are in no position of power.  People would not listen if you are not gifted nor credited as an esteemed professional (which usually entails having a long trail of abbreviations after their name).

I feel like being on a cliff as I have gone through the forest of despair and sorrow.  Finally, I am able to see the horizon while the sun is slowly setting.  As the orange-tinged sky reminded me how great it is to have conquered everything, I also recalled how the darkness comes near.  As I look down below, I see the blue-green sea, crystal clear appearing serene.  So calm.  The tranquility relaxes me...I think too much.  In deciding to relax and enjoy, I have lost sight of the horizon.  I feared of looking forward, of going beyond the shore. Or maybe I have just had enough? I do not know.

I am currently at the edge of the cliff, scared of jumping into that sea...not knowing of what might come after.  I kept on making excuses of not putting my heart into it, since I believe I have lost my heart in the first place.  I have lost that passion, which I can't seem to know where I have placed it. For months, I have been silently crying for help, for some clarity.

I just want things to stand still for a while.  I imagine myself being in a typical New York movie scene where everyone was walking fast forward while I am in slow motion (I really love that effect). Everyone around me is moving but I am taking my time.  Some may see it as selfish but I can't do the race anymore. I have had enough.

"Kaya ko ba lundagin ulit?"