Take a Step Back and Breathe

Almost one and a half months have passed since the announcement of the board exam passing. Where am I now? I have decided to take the USMLE Step 1 on the third or fourth week of January, then Step 2 CK on May and Step 2 CS on the second week of July. How am I feeling about this? I feel calm about it. However, I get some points of hesitations since I have to study everything all over again (well not really all over again). This review is like my refresher course to Medicine since I have just recently took the board exam in the Philippines.

What am I glad bout now is my opportunity to come up with a team building workshop for a group of high school boys. My constant calling for a "gig" like this suddenly came true. I was lucky enough that one of my batchmates thought about me in helping this group. Hopefully, this would turn out well since I am a little bit rusty given the 2-year delay of without practice.

I have also attended an volunteer orientation seminar in Kythe so I can be a part of their volunteer pool (officially). One of the steps that I proposed to take is to go back to Kythe. Why? Since it is where my affirmation to take up medicine started. Maybe I just need to take my white coat off for a while and let it rest for the meantime. Wearing a different set of spectacles might clear things a bit.

Being saturated with the same things can be nauseating.

My decision to continue Medicine as a 2nd year medical student forced me to swallow my own vomit over and over again until I got to finish it until the licensure examination. Yes, I know many would be annoyed since it is a privilege to be a doctor and to even pass the boards. Being in the world of Medicine for quite some time, I would say I have only met a few passionate doctors. Maybe some may argue on this terminology so let me define this. Passion means an overflowing emotion that one could not contain and could not help but spread it to other people. I have met a few such as Dr. Erric Cinco, Dr. Chris Soriano, Dr. Jun Cuenca, Dr. Joma Bravo, Dr. Cenon Alfonso. I believe passionate people are moved to look at things at a different light. They have managed to show that Medicine is not all about the books, agonizing rounds, egotistic consultants... they have showed that Medicine can be fun. It may be an old science but it is still new everyday. What?! How can it be both old and new? The old part is very much obvious. Medicine is new every day since more discoveries are announced, research done by the minute...keeping many doctors still confused in perfecting this art. That is why doctors constantly study even after the licensure examination, residency and fellowship. Yup, it does not end. However, I guess in any profession where you would wish to be successful, learning will never end.

I am just thankful that my parents supported the little old penniless me through my studies. Maybe one can question why I got burned out...well it happens. It happened to me now. I have kept my worries to myself for a long time that I feel like a candle burning the remaining parts of its wick. Some may call it a quarterlife crisis. It is good that this is happening to me before I make any form of commitment to any program. Yes, I will be delayed in my training by a year or two. But all is planned in His time. I will trust in Your slow work. This time I am now listening.

Taking the Next Step

This is my last year as a student. What should be my next step? Lately, I have been having problems in terms of what to do after the boards. Hopefully, I would pass the medical board exam. Now, many are bombarding me with questions on what I plan to specialize in. Before, I can answer those questions with confidence, "I would be taking Pediatric Hematology-Oncology." Now, everything seems to be a blur. After my rotation at the neonatal ICU, I was discouraged by my residents' work ethics. What went on in my mind was I don't wish to have them as my seniors in the end. Then, my desire to take Pediatrics became less intense. After this, I am so lost right now on what I plan to do with my life. Taking up medicine has burned me out that I have no desire in diving into the same pool of sharks where fear and hierarchy reigns. Instead of allowing me to grow as a better person, medicine has managed to push me down again into that hole that I was once in. I thought, maybe it would be better if I go back to the reasons why I decided to take up medicine in the first place. First, going back to Kythe by doing volunteer work might add color again. My taste for life became so bland that my purpose for taking up medicine went with it. Second, regaining that thirst for surprises. My life as a medical intern has become routine that nothing new comes or comes unnoticed. I crave for that feeling of passion burning inside of me, literally. The jolt that I felt whenever I am into a new college project or organizing leadership programs. The zest for inspiring eager minds into making a difference. I miss my idealistic self. The Cla that I once knew. Third, I can apply as part of ASMPH's faculty or LS OSA. Maybe it can help bring things into perspective. I am sure of the following things: I love training people. I enjoy organization development for some reason I cannot explain. I crave for the thrill of meeting people full of ideas. I want to have those leadership opportunities wherein I can jump into without judgment. I know I will be a clinician forever. I hate doing clerical work. I dislike the idea of being someone's secretary. I love talking with people. I find sincerity in people important. Good work ethics matter to me. Appreciation is key to the success of any organization. I love foreign languages. I want to make a change. My training in medicine has discouraged me at some point to believe in myself, to trust in my capabilities. They may consider it weak to succumb to another person's "psychological vampirism" but I accept it as my weakness. No matter how hard you try, you are still not good enough. I believe this is one of the reasons why the health profession has never been a happy place. Patients are not easily encouraged to go for a check-up with their doctors unless they are sick. The price for healthcare is slowly making its way up the ladder that only a few are privileged enough to taste it. Your incompetence will be detriment of your career. I thought working as an employee is not fit for me since everything will be routine. I thought wrong about medicine. Still it is a routine, a boring not so happy one. Does this mean medicine was not really meant for me? Have I made a wrong decision and wasted 5 years of my life? What is my next step?