Taking the Next Step

This is my last year as a student. What should be my next step? Lately, I have been having problems in terms of what to do after the boards. Hopefully, I would pass the medical board exam. Now, many are bombarding me with questions on what I plan to specialize in. Before, I can answer those questions with confidence, "I would be taking Pediatric Hematology-Oncology." Now, everything seems to be a blur. After my rotation at the neonatal ICU, I was discouraged by my residents' work ethics. What went on in my mind was I don't wish to have them as my seniors in the end. Then, my desire to take Pediatrics became less intense. After this, I am so lost right now on what I plan to do with my life. Taking up medicine has burned me out that I have no desire in diving into the same pool of sharks where fear and hierarchy reigns. Instead of allowing me to grow as a better person, medicine has managed to push me down again into that hole that I was once in. I thought, maybe it would be better if I go back to the reasons why I decided to take up medicine in the first place. First, going back to Kythe by doing volunteer work might add color again. My taste for life became so bland that my purpose for taking up medicine went with it. Second, regaining that thirst for surprises. My life as a medical intern has become routine that nothing new comes or comes unnoticed. I crave for that feeling of passion burning inside of me, literally. The jolt that I felt whenever I am into a new college project or organizing leadership programs. The zest for inspiring eager minds into making a difference. I miss my idealistic self. The Cla that I once knew. Third, I can apply as part of ASMPH's faculty or LS OSA. Maybe it can help bring things into perspective. I am sure of the following things: I love training people. I enjoy organization development for some reason I cannot explain. I crave for the thrill of meeting people full of ideas. I want to have those leadership opportunities wherein I can jump into without judgment. I know I will be a clinician forever. I hate doing clerical work. I dislike the idea of being someone's secretary. I love talking with people. I find sincerity in people important. Good work ethics matter to me. Appreciation is key to the success of any organization. I love foreign languages. I want to make a change. My training in medicine has discouraged me at some point to believe in myself, to trust in my capabilities. They may consider it weak to succumb to another person's "psychological vampirism" but I accept it as my weakness. No matter how hard you try, you are still not good enough. I believe this is one of the reasons why the health profession has never been a happy place. Patients are not easily encouraged to go for a check-up with their doctors unless they are sick. The price for healthcare is slowly making its way up the ladder that only a few are privileged enough to taste it. Your incompetence will be detriment of your career. I thought working as an employee is not fit for me since everything will be routine. I thought wrong about medicine. Still it is a routine, a boring not so happy one. Does this mean medicine was not really meant for me? Have I made a wrong decision and wasted 5 years of my life? What is my next step?